We have an unwritten rule at our house, okay, I have an unwritten rule. And apparently I’m the only one who follows it. Sally and I never seem to be on the same sleep schedule. One of us is usually staying up later than the other. Recently, I’ve been trying to get to sleep earlier and Sally has been working late on several projects.
Anyway, back to the unwritten rule. Whoever comes in the bedroom late, is supposed to tiptoe in the dark, change clothes in the dark, quietly tiptoe to the bathroom in the dark, shut the bathroom door and THEN turn on the bathroom light, then do your business (flushing is optional at this time, because of the noise), use the manual toothbrush instead of the noisy high powered one, turn off the bathroom light, THEN open the bathroom door, tiptoe to bed, slide in and gently roll over and go to sleep. This has been my routine for 27 years.
Sally hasn’t caught on to this. Last night, Sally was the last one in bed. Here’s her routine: Wait until Tom finally falls into his REM (deep) sleep and then swing open the bedroom door as if she were Diana Ross In Concert, popping out of a giant screen on stage singing “Aint No Mountain High Enough,” turn on the closet light, change clothes, go to the bathroom and turn on the light, THEN shut the door, power clean teeth, flush several times, sing a song, open the bathroom door, THEN turn out the bathroom light, run and dive into bed, snuggle and spoon me (actually, that part’s nice), ask me if I talked with Andrew,
“No.”
Then ask me if I spoke with Jolee,
“No.”
“Well, who were you talking to?”
“Mom and Dad, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, good night,”
“I need to turn on the lamp,” Lamp goes on, lamp goes off. Lamp goes on, lamp goes off. Lamp goes on, lamp goes off. I was beginning to think she was signaling Morse Code to our neighbor’s across the street. Perhaps she was reminding them to put out their trash in the morning. Finally the lamp stays off.
Resnuggle, and start laughing hysterically, making the bed shake, keep laughing…
“Tom, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes, that’s my *sippy cup on the night stand.”
More laughter and bed shaking.
Get up and go to the bathroom again. (The first of several trips per night.) Leave all the lights off. (hint, hint!) Finally fall back in bed exhausted. Sleep…ahhh!
So I ask you, “Is it any wonder I ever get to sleep?”
*One final note about the sippy cup. I recently came up with this idea in the middle of the night. I get dry mouth in the middle of the night and I wake up but I’m too tired to get up and get a drink of water. Also, I don’t want to leave an open cup on my nightstand because I’m afraid I’ll knock it over in the dark and get the phone wet. So I got one of our grandson’s sippy cups and now, when I need a drink, all I have to do is reach over, get the cup and take a swig. I don’t even have to sit up in bed! Genius! The sippy cup is the greatest invention since adult diapers!
Adult diapers…hmmm, now that’s an interesting idea!
Tom
Let me just say, I don’t need to defend myself because my bedtime routine is perfectly normal and considerate of you. So, just a few comments…Actually, I’m really flattered by the Diana Ross comparison (back in 1979 when we saw her in concert and she busted out of that screen and started singing…Wow)! You forgot to tell me about your conversation with your Mom and Dad. Sorry about the lamp, it won’t happen again, ever. Seriously, You are a grown man with a sippy cup on your nightstand…You would have laughed too (and I admit it, I couldn’t stop)! And one last thing, those diapers, I will not be a changin’.
i like it!
A SIPPY CUP! You have got to be kidding me. Wait until I tell Megan about this.
I’m not even gonna touch the adult diaper issue!
one more thing. remember Charles said you can’t change peoples s.h.a.p.e that is how God made them.
Leave Sally alone, that is how GOD made her!
This is hilarious on so many levels.
Well, you just got yourself another follower, thanks to this link at Joe Bunting’s place. LOVED this and loved your story over there, too. Even if it’s hard, keep this up – great stuff. (But to be honest, I’ll read any other kind of writing you care to put up here.)
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Ha! Hadn’t read this. And I like the sippy cup idea. Need to get one for Brian. He has knocked over his glass on more than one occasion.
I like the sippy cup. Our cat roams the house at night knocking over cups of water to drink. Sippy cups may solve the problem
Hahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!